new Things I Ate in Cambodia: Food As A Weapon: Discuss!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Food As A Weapon: Discuss!

A discussion with my cousin about Renaissance Faires and giant turkey legs prompted a compelling question: what food would make the best weapon? What food would be the best caloric companion in times of stress and trouble? What food would be best suited to back-alley robberies and open military combat? An extremely casual poll of people I know on the internet resulted in these contenders.

- Turkey Legs
These poultry monstrosities are my personal pick for best all-around food self defense, the comestible I want at my side in any geeky brawl I might find myself embroiled in. A good thwack from a smoked turkey leg will handily ward off Renaissance Faire wastrels who might be attempting to steal your totally awesome new ninja stars or cheat during that vastly important D&D session. Turkey legs are just so darn practical: they have a handy and non-slip handle, they're hard enough to do damage yet tasty enough to devour when the carnage is over: what's not love, My Merrie' Gentlemen? (Turkey legs are also a popular treat at Disney theme parks: now you know what to do if the guy in the Goofy costume gets a little too friendly.)

(Image jacked from

- Satay
Those pointy little sticks are good for something beside gnawing spiced meat off of, my violence-loving dining companions. Those devilishly sharp little points would also be a handy companion in an Indonesian-themed brawl. I would like to imagine that many a drunken fight in Bali or Jakarta ends in horrific satay-inflicted wounds to the chest and vital regions, that satay injuries are a leading cause of death in those balmy cities. Further: Why haven't we seen a vicious fight scene in an Indonesian or Thai restaurant in any recent action movies? Someone needs to address this.

Nominated more for olfactory then physical violence, the Durian is one of God's most fascinating creations: a gigantic and spiky fruit that tastes somewhere between over-ripe cheese, "lady parts" and three week old ass. Beloved in Southeast Asia and treated with extreme suspicion everywhere else, the Durian could easily be deployed as an all-natural chemical warfare agent: they might be pushed out of airplanes over aggressor nations, shipped in tightly sealed boxes to unsuspecting heads of state. I have heard that a single durian smuggled aboard a plane forced it to land as a bout of projectile vomit seized all the passengers: I think this plan has potential.

What do you think?

Finally, to assist you in pitched food battle....the Zing, a specifically engineered food fight tool. I think I know what I want for my birthday.

Also: Swiss chocolate turkey legs. Really.


Anonymous said...

I can guess which cousin this was :-)

Aunt Lyn

Anonymous said...

Uh no - you are getting Ulysses (which would also make a good weapon if you think about it...)


undercover caterer said...

I've heard tale that Durian actually kills...
Here's what I found:

"Duri" is the Malay name for "spike", referring to the hard, spiky shell in which the fruit develops. They are very large fruits that can weigh up to ten pounds; and, since the tree can be 100 feet in the air, "death by durian" (like the Brazil nut) is not uncommon! Great care is taken when walking near these trees during the season when the fruits drop off. Another hazard is its appeal to tigers and elephants, which are especially partial to the fruit and can detect their odour from far away -- as can humans.

AN elderly Thai man died after over-indulging in the notoriously pungent durian fruit, police said today, becoming the kingdom's second person to die this month from consuming the so-called king of fruit.

And what about Blowfish? You could just give someone a fish that wasn't properly cleaned.

Sounds like hurting people with food might be easier in an Asian country.