new Things I Ate in Cambodia: Horrifying Food Products I Have Seen

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Horrifying Food Products I Have Seen

The Bacon Explosion

A fore-arm sized sausage patty ,latticed with bacon, then barbequed to a fine crunch on the grill? Why, I'll have two! The putting bacon on everything craze seems to have reached its zenith with this amazing taste-treat - no longer is is enough to put bacon in chocolate, bacon in macaroni and cheese, bacon in your chocolate chip pancakes! No, we're able to do lines of bacon, now - perform the equivalant of shooting the stuff right up our nostrils. I imagine the Explosion of Bacon will be ganked from the internet and marketed as America's next taste sensation by Carl's Jr or something in the near future. Pigs everywhere will quiver with the fear of the hunted.

Sausage Football

Speaking of Twenty-Five Ways to Debase a Pig, how about this sausage football? Bringing the notion of the pigskin into horrid and immediate relief, this tremendous lump of summer sausage in the shape of a football - complete with weaving! - unsettles me to my core, touching on a part of my pysche that would rather not consider these things. We're told not to play with our food from an early age, and then we're at the family Super Bowl party or something and Uncle Vern is slicing up the sausage football and we think, What? What? Prevent childhood cognitive dissonance. Avoid the Sausage Football.

Belgian Dark Chocolate Dipped Pork Rinds and Caramel Bars

Have you found yourself concerned about your weight, about your eating habits? Has the dawn of the new-year and the meteoric rise of your dress size compelled you to change your ways, turn over a new life, pick up some Tae-Bo videos? Another healthy choice for 2009: switch out your usual chocolate covered pork rinds for sugar-free chocolate covered pork rinds! Yes, you too will be able to fend off diabetes, heart disease, and an early death - just make sure it's sugar free.

All kidding aside, I really want to know how this tastes. Are there pork rinds in the caramel too? Is this like a pork rind Snickers bar? A sugar free one? I just don't know.

Chocolate Covered Cuttlefish

Produced by a Hawaiian chocolate company, this innovative treat combines everyone's favorite dried cuttlefish and delicious chocolate. I just don't see what could possibly go wrong.

I like dried cuttlefish and I like chocolate. Combining the two strikes me as so unwise as to be prosecutable. May be of use when at college drinking parties when you want to one-up the asshole eating goldfish.

Heinz Canned Curry N' Beans!

I have gone through my life with a horror of canned beans. Sometimes I've had nightmares where canned beans trail me throughout the house and dangle malignantly before my nose. This Heinz spec-i-ality combines Mulligatawny soup and the perennial English favorite of canned beans into one easy, convenient, and imperishable horror show.

Taco Bell Home Entrees: Chicken Bowl, SHELF STABLE!

Shelf-stable Taco Bell meat? What could possible go wrong? There is a photo of one of these on Heat Eat Review that tells you all you would ever need to know, will ever need to know about the nature of this MRE for college boys.

Gummi Chicken Legs

Further contributing to the debasement of food animals, we have gummi candy attempting to imitate meat, complete fake plastic chicken bone and "oranges and cream" flavor. Will they soon make meat that attempts to imitate gummi candy? The world's once clear-cut line between CANDY and MEAT is already being bridged wantonly as evidenced by bacon chocolate bars and sugar free chocolate pork rinds. What new frontiers lie before us? What then?

(I have eaten the Vosges Bacon Chocolate bar and very much enjoyed it. It was akin to eating a really high quality salty bacon bit that dropped in the fondue pot. If you think about it's a good thing. I still felt a bit ugly afterward but recovered quickly, happily.)

1 comment:

Amanda said...

This is amazing, epic, the greatest thing I have ever read.